“So, do
you have children?” Invariably the
question comes up at a cocktail party, parent’s association meeting, board
meeting, client meeting, winery party. It’s just basic small talk; it shouldn’t
be a difficult question.
I pause a couple of seconds and look the person
straight in the eye to size up how they might react.
Sometimes I answer, “Yes,”
and change the subject. Sometimes, I
say, “Yes, lots!” and change the subject.
My hesitation is that my
answer stops people dead in their tracks.
People simply do not know how to respond. You can almost see the gears
turn in their heads as they process the information – anywhere from awed, to
disgusted, to befuddled. It all flashes across their faces. And that’s BEFORE I tell them I live on a
goat farm. Icing on the cake!
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| Von Trapp Family |
First, some background: I
have seven kids by two relationships. Five with my first husband (The Ex), and
two with my former paramour (Bubba). The
children range in age from 19 to 2. Four
girls, three boys. Everyone’s got a
problem, from choosing a college major to potty training--and everything in
between!
Wow, do I learn a lot about people
by the questions they ask next. Here are
some of my favorites:
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| Cheeses |
“Are
you Catholic or Mormon?” No,
I’m Episcopalian actually. (Go team!) And when is it ever appropriate to ask someone what his or her religion
is?? Um, never.
“Did you plan that?” Yes, call me crazy. And I do know what birth
control is. And, for the record, I am also
pro-choice.
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| You Pick |
“Did you
come from a large family?” The
answer: No, I was an only child. And I HATED it… obviously. That usually shuts down the people who have
only one child.
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| Family Size |
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| Done. |
“Are
you done?” So
now they are asking about my sex life? My dearest friends all chuckle because
many of them have seen me through 5 or more pregnancies. It’s kind of a cliché for them – “here she
goes again...” Anyway, the answer: Yes,
stick a fork in me, I am done. Factory closed.
“Were you on fertility drugs?” What the hell? That’s like me asking someone with
no kids if they are having problems conceiving – a big NO-NO. The answer: No! I gave birth to each and every one of them,
one at a time. No C-sections, either.
Which leads me to my all
time favorite: “Wow! YOU had seven kids?! [as they look me up
and down, head to toe]” Men and
women both do this full body scan. It is
incredibly creepy, though maybe flattering – I guess? Then the men glance inquiringly at my
boyfriend, David – usually following the C-section remark/question.
The follow-up question,
spoken or unspoken, is:
“Why are you
not as big as a house?” (I’m paraphrasing…). I have a couple of responses:
1) I won
the genetics lottery with my strong German peasant stock (“Yah”),
2) Chasing
7 kids around is a workout that leaves no time to eat.
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If you had asked me when I was
younger how many kids I wanted, I would’ve looked at you blankly. It wasn’t a
topic I spent a lot of time contemplating.
Now, having seven kids seems the most natural thing in the world. This is my life, and I love it. Not that some
days aren’t tough, mind you.
Let me describe it this way:
having seven kids is like having toenails.
Stay with me here. They are always a part of you. They definitely need
attention and maintenance, and sometimes they hurt. Sometimes you polish them
up and make them pretty with little painted flowers, but for the most part they
are just part of your everyday life. You probably take them for granted, but
life wouldn’t be the same without them.
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