A few weeks back, I was
driving to a random small town in northern California with three kids and my
new trailer (cleverly named “Skippy”) loaded with goats. Katherine (age 15) rode shot gun in the
Suburban, Elizabeth (age 11) and Robbie (age 9) slumped in the back sea,t fixated on
their screens. They really didn't want to
go to ANOTHER goat show, but they didn't have a choice. As a consolation, and to keep them from
driving me bat-poop crazy all weekend, I said they could spend as much time
on their devices as they wanted. You
make these promises when you are a parent – long-term brain power vs.
short-term quiet.
This
was the eighth time I had driven a trailer – ever. It was getting less scary but I was still
surprised each and every time I made it to my destination without: 1) the
trailer falling off the car, 2) the
trailer not hitting another car while merging onto the highway, and/or 3) the car
not exploding from the strain of dragging the "wagon" behind us. Once you're on the highway there really is
nothing to it. It’s just getting there
that is tricky. The two-lane road with
the construction “jersey barriers” on the side – scraaaape (not this
time). The angry people behind me, angrily tailgating me to push me faster than 55 mph (nope – that’s both
illegal AND scary). The little prayer I
send up to the universe when I flick on the turn signal to merge onto the
highway while the pedal is pushed to the floor (“oh please see me coming and
make way”).
But there
we were, chugging along in the slow lane at 55 mph. I felt accomplished already. I was contemplating my car and how I never,
ever wanted this behemoth of a vehicle. On
second thought, it does have all the features of a European luxury car, and
more. Lets compare the Suburban 2500LT to a BWM 528i of the same year.
Feel
the buttery soft leather. In luxury cars,
leather makes the car smell like a high-end luggage store; in the Suburban, leather
seats prevent the car from smelling like goat musk, since fabric upholstery
absorbs odors like a sponge. And heated
seats! Yes, both cars have heated seats – front AND rear. In the luxury car, it keeps the back of your
legs warm when you are wearing an Armani mini dress. In the Suburban, it takes the sting out of
those 2:30 am road trips to random towns to buy goats. (More on that story later.)
Enjoy
the freedom of climate control – the car is always one steady temperature, no
thinking required, no distractions from the pesky A/C controls. In the luxury car, it liberates the driver and
passengers up to engage in esoteric conversations, meditate or simply observe
the scenery. In the Suburban, it keeps
the air circulating to avoid that certain….musk. And climate control lets the kids play the video games
uninterrupted – wouldn’t want them to have to look up from the
iPad.
Road
noise is reduced to an obscure hum in the BMW. The car body is heavily insulated to dampen out
sound. Yep, the Suburban has plenty of noise
dampening panels, too. If the toddler has
a nuclear melt-down in his/her car seat, one can step outside of the parked
Suburban, close the solid American steel doors (WHUMP), and, voila,
silence. Open the door, accosted by the
scream. Close the door, peace. You choose.
And
lets talk about interior passenger space.
The BMW boasts 41.4 inches of front leg room, front shoulder room 58.3
inches, and 40.5 inches of from head room.
The Suburban: front leg room 41.3 (what?! just move that seat on back a
little), front shoulder room 65.2 inches (linebacker size), front head room
41.1. The back seat of the BMW provides its rear passengers with 36.1 inches
legroom, 56.2 inches shoulder room, and 38.3 inches head room. That middle row of the ‘Burb is a smidge more
cramped: 34.9 inches legroom, 64.7 inches shoulder room (linebacker fits in the
middle row, too), and 38.1 inches headroom.
But, wait, there’s a whole ‘nother row in the Suburban! Three more
people back there. Hah! Take that, BMW. No huge carpools in the BMW. Darn.
Cargo
space is no competition whatsoever: BMW 14.0 cubic feet vs. Suburban 137.40
cubic feet--nearly 10 times more! No XL dog crate (the size
required to carry a full-grown, male pygmy goat) is ever, ever going to fit in
that luxury car. Too bad. It deprives all those passengers of that certain… musky…
smell. They’ll just have to suffice with
“luggage store” smell.
(Can you guesss which is which?)
On to
the entertainment features. The BMW spec
sheet I’m reading includes: “diversity” antenna (huh?), 180 watts stereo
output, auxiliary audio input and USB jack, radio data system (?), 10 (count ‘em, TEN)
speakers, 2 subwoofers, AM/FM stereo, pre-wired for phone (do car phones actually
still exist?), Bluetooth link for handsfree phone, and BMW assist
telecommunications system. Those silly
Germans are so minimalist sometimes. The
Americans, on the other hand, they pile it on.
The Suburban has all of the BMW features PLUS: a CD player (um, BMW,
what’s up with that?), MP3 decoder, AM/FM/SiriusXm Radio, and DVD player (that
you can hook up with video games, too).
But wait, there’s more! My Suburban has 2 (count ‘em, TWO) “7.0”,
multi-function display screens” – 1 for each of the rear passenger rows. It’s like an airplane. The Suburban has lots of speakers, too. I just can’t find them all. All of this luxury just to keep the restless
children at bay on the 5-hour drive to
the goat show.
That
good old American engine is what lets me drag my brand new trailer down the
highway. There is not a situation
on god’s green earth where one would see a BMW 528i towing this 7,000 pound (gross,
fully loaded) trailer down the road.
Nope. Not going to happen.
The
kids and I can’t complain too much, though, can we? The Suburban has all the
same luxury features as the BMW (and more!) – just for much different reasons.
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