Tuesday, July 28, 2015

The Winged Menace (continued)

He's at it again, The Winged Menace.  I’ve been doing more research about Guinea Fowl online and I am finding more and more articles titled things like “Fourteen Reasons Not To Raise Guinea Fowl.”  Stupid is usually high up on the list.  Rather than go into that analysis again, I refer you, dear reader, to my previous post “The Winged Menace (Part1)."  

A quick summary: Purple (my guinea fowl) chases cars down the road and then veers into the winery next door where he harasses well-heeled tourists who have never seen such a strange bird.  My crazy bird is now stopping traffic on the road in front of my house.

This is my open letter to those drivers:

Dear Driver(s)-Stopped-on-the-Road:

First of all, thank you so much for not running down my crazy-assed bird.  He’s not the brightest cookie in the crayon box so I really do appreciate you taking the initiative.  He’s the lone survivor of our flock of 20, so he holds a special place in our hearts (kind of).

I see that you are stopped dead in your tracks, with a crazed Guinea Fowl running laps around your car.  Chances are you don't even know what the hell kind of bird that is.  Two more cars have screeched to a halt behind you; their drivers are gesticulating wildly because they don't see the bird blocking your path.  I'm pretty sure the other cars won't rear-end you. At least, I hope not.

In the iconic words of the Talking Heads (May 1986), “… you may ask yourself--Well…How did I get here?”  Here are some ideas.


  • Maybe the bird’s hungry?  He’s down there pecking the bugs out of your grill and off of your tire rims. Don't worry, though - your car will be fine.  He will not ruin the paint job OR pop the tires. Phew.
  • Maybe the bird’s vain and/or lonely?  He’s checking himself out in the reflection of your clean car. Does he think its a girlfriend?
  • Maybe the bird thinks you are an invader? He is squawking up a storm. LEAVE! LEAVE! LEAVE!
  • Maybe the bird’s just on some sort of power trip? “Aha! The metal beast submits to my superior avian will!  I shall conquer the world!” 
  • Maybe the bird’s just stupid? Yep.

I think the real reason that The Winged Menace has stopped you on the road is: 
Because. He. Can.
I know that you just saw me speed away toward the stoplight, and you probably think I am a wicked, bird-hating person.  Some of you will even catch up to me and pull me over to tell me that my “weird turkey bird” is in the road (yes, thanks, I see that).  But here’s the thing: once you stop, you are trapped.
Purple epitomizes the word “Survivor.”  Just keep going!  DO NOT STOP!  The bird will move – he has every time… so far. 
With most sincere thanks,


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